Oh my GODGenre:
Crack. AU (Greek mythology). Humour, Gender!swapRating:
PG-15 (mild, mild "sex sounds", slut!Min)Pairings:
QMi, Hancul, slut!MinWord Count:
A day in the life on Mt. Olympus. All hell breaks loose when Zeus calls for a family meeting.A/N:
Zeus (Leeteuk), Ares (Heechul), Apollo (Hankyung), Hermes (Yesung), Dionysus (Kangin), Demeter (Shindong), Aphrodite (Sungmin), Hera (Eunhyuk), Poseidon (Donghae), Artemis (Siwon), Hestia (Ryeowook), Athena (Kibum), Hades (Kyuhyun), Persephone (Zhoumi), Cupid (Henry)
For the less common Gods, Dionysus is the god of wine, Demeter is the goddess of grain and harvest, Persephone is the daughter of Hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. Persephone is also the wife of Hades. Cupid is, well Cupid. Quick recap. Apollo/Artemis are twins. Hera is the mother of the Gods. Athena is the Goddess of Wisdom.
Please don't shoot me. No offence to HP, Twilight, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus fans. Semi-written by headless_bex
. Any comments will be loved.
“FAMILY MEETING TIME!!!” Zeus threw down a thunderbolt violently, and as it thundered on the marble floor, he exploded into a loud fit of high pitched laughter.
“Sheesh Leeteuk, I can hear your laugh from all the way in my room.” Aphrodite came out of her pink door, one hand holding onto makeup kit as she dabbed powder onto her cheeks.
“Shut up Sungmin, you’re going to make us broke with all your lavish spending on makeup and clothes.” Zeus whined on his throne. “Is that another new dress?”
“At least I don’t have skin like an old man.” Sungmin winked. “And no, it’s not just another new dress. It’s a limited edition new dress by Chanel, and look at my new pair of Jimmy Choo’s, aren’t they fab~?”
“But daddy...” Aphrodite whined as she gracefully sat on his lap in a suggestive way.
“Get off me Sungmin, I’m your father.”
“But I want you.” Aphoridte whipped her scarf around his neck.
“No, go to your room now.” Zeus thundered as he tossed her onto the marble floor.
“But you called for a family meeting.” Aphrodite whined when they heard a crash outside.
“Yesung, are you okay?” Zeus walked out to meet with their Messenger of the Gods.
“Sorry, I can’t really change directions, and I can’t stop very well either.”
“How fail are you?” Zeus laughed at his son, noticing the falling left wing on his right sneaker.
“And you’ve been our messenger for how long?” Aphrodite pursed her lips together, “Maybe that’s why Hankyung never replied me.”
She ran a suggestive hand down Hermes’ side before she stopped.
“OH MY ZEUS. THAT”S A HERMES LOCKET. With a matching pair of cufflinks. AND AND. Oh my Zeus. That’s their newest manpurse designs.” Aphrodite pointed at Hermes’ new bag.
“Hunny, show some respect for your father. He’s right in front of you for crying out loud.” Hera danced out of the master bedroom.
“But Hyukkie, it’s a HERMES locket. HERMES. Do you know how important that is?”
“Not really, and frankly I don’t care.” Hera sat down on her smaller throne.
“Yeah, they told me to be their spokesperson.” Hermes smiled. “They said something about having the same name or something. I didn’t understand what they were saying, they spoke too fast.”
“That’s it!! I’m SO changing my name to Chanel.”
“Who’s making all that noise, some Gods here actually study and read.” Athena opened her door and fixed her glasses.
“I so read, Kibum. Magazines are books too.” Aphrodite stuck out her tongue.
“Who said I was talking about you, Sungmin.” Athena outsmarted her sister. Aphrodite was never the brightest bulb in their family. To say the least, she’s your stereotypical dumb blonde. Minus the fact she wasn’t blonde.
“Anyhow, shall I go wake up Kangin, because he’s likely out cold from all that wine.” Athena said with grace and precision. “Father Leeteuk, I think you should go get Kyuhyun and Donghae.”
“Well said, my daughter. Yesung, let us go.” Zeus and Hermes flew off the mountain to go find Poseidon and Hades.
“See how well your sister treats your father.” Hera ran an affectionate hand through Aphrodite’s golden locks.
“Yeah, but he made him sound like a priest.” Aphrodite giggled to herself. “Artemis would be so pleased if he became religious.”
“Shut up, you skank or I will have my followers hunt you down.” Artemis appeared out of the shadows.
“I bet you I can turn them lesbians.” Aphrodite winked and assumed the most adorable expression imaginable.
“My followers are all hand chosen by me. They are the purest women found on Earth. How dare you tarnish their undying, sacred love for the Priestess.”
“I bet Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus and that Hannah Montana girl are part of your ranks?”
“SHUT UP YOU SLUT.” Artemis whipped out her silver crossbow.
“Language, Siwon, you know how Sungmin acts.” Hera said while she put a CD into the music player and began dancing to the beat, ignoring her three daughters.
“But Eunhyuk, she insulted my religion, my followers, myself and the Priestess. That shall not be spared.”
“By the way, maybe if you read more, you would know that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are the same person.” Athena chimed in.
“THEY ARE NOT. I saw them posing together in a magazine. And they’re both so skinny.” Aphrodite grumbled as she traced her thighs.
Athena didn’t even want to mention technology or Photoshop. She’d rather deal with a drunken Dionysus than talk logic with Aphrodite, putting knowledge and wisdom in the same conversation would leave the poor thing in ruins.
“HANKYUNGGGG.” Aphrodite squealed when Apollo walked in. She hovered her way over to the man and began stroking his body.
“Sister, put down your bow. We need not violence in this house.” Apollo smiled, his shiny teeth sparkling. “Err, Sungmin, why are you stroking my body?”
“Because I want you in bed.” Sungmin purred as she cupped a hand against his crotch. “You know we have at least an hour because Kyuhyun won’t ever leave his lair. And that’s more than enough you to please me.”
“Too much information, Minnie.” Hera called out while she began popping her body.
“I have something to say.” Apollo pushed Aphrodite away lightly. “I think I’m gay.”
~ ** ~
“I think Siwon is mad again.” Hermes pointed at the moon, which began rotating in a frenzy as it knocked away the nearby stars and clouds. The sun shrunk and shrunk as the city darkened.
“Anyhow, Yesung, do you want to go get Donghae or Kyuhyun.”
“Neither?” Hermes blinked and scratched his head.
“Okay you go find Donghae then. I don’t think Kyuhyun would even listen to you.”
“Siwon, Siwon calm down.” Hera pulled her daughter away from her son.
“He’s gay…” Artemis fell to the ground. “Oh my… what have I done wrong… Oh noble Priestess of the Moon, guide me with your stars.”
“Hey, I’m not that bad.” Ares walked into living room. “And what’s wrong with being gay anyways. Artemis, you have got to start being more flexible with your morals.”
“Oh Priestess, please forgive my foolish, twin brother. Forgive him and bless him, o Priestess.”
“Whatever.” Ares went over and sent a flirtatious flame towards the Sun God. The sparks disintegrated on his body when Aphrodite shot the two of them a deathly stare.
“You’re gay, with HIM?” Aphrodite squeaked and began sobbing. “Of all people, you pick Heechul over me?”
“What’s that suppose to mean, you pesky brat.” Ares roared as he sent a ball of flame towards the Goddess of love.
“You did not just burn my hair.” Aphrodite picked up her frayed locks and glared at her moody brother. “Do you have any idea how long I spent doing these curls?”
“No, and watcha gonna do about it.” Heechul snapped. “Besides, they’re ugly and so so fake.”
“STOP FIGHTING.” Hera screamed. “You’re interrupting my dance routine, now be quiet.”
“I don’t care e e e e e e e.” Hera wagged her finger and did her dance moves.
“Kangin-ah.” Athena poked at Dionysus while the Wine god simply rolled over.
“Gurr ahwaii…” He slurred in his sleep.
“Kangin-ah.” Athena winced when she heard a glass shattering scream that belonged to Aphrodite. “I think you should know that there’s a huge fight outside.”
“Gurrrr ahwwahiiii…” Dionysus threw the blanket over himself and continued snoring.
Athena’s wisdom told her to give up.
“YOU. YOU BITCH KISSED ME ON STAGE in front of everyone last time.” Aphrodite screamed in Ares’ face. “Do you have any idea how much teasing I endured from Helen because of you? DO YOU? And now you say you’re gay?”
“No.” Ares flicked his pinky scornfully at Aphrodite’s reddening forehead.
“They said they actually felt sorry for me because I had to kiss this blob of mess.” Aphrodite said hurtfully. “They said they would never feel sorry for me.”
“You do know they were dissing you, right, sister?” Athena re-entered the living room, ducking an orb of flame.
“Besides, that kiss with you made me realize I’m gay.” Ares smirked as he wandered his hands over Apollo’s toned body.
“Aiyahhh gum gwai chuo gah! (Translation: Aiyahh, it’s so loud!)” Cupid flew into the room when another orb of heat just missed his violin shaped bow. “Wah, jong yau foh tim. Fat sung meh si ah? (Translation: Wah, there’s fire. What’s going on?)”
“Henry, wrong language!!!” Apollo called out while he pointed his fingers every ball of fire he could see. His power with the sun granted him power with the fire element as he fizzed out the fireballs Ares were throwing at Aphrodite.
“Chea, lei dei doh mm choi ngor. (Translation: Chea, you guys don’t even pay attention to me.)” Cupid danced around in the air as he fiddled with his bow, making small scales that were overpowered by Hera’s dance music. A trail of musical notes followed his path as he flew in circles above them, the black notes falling down like rain.
Aphrodite, on the other hand, was chucking lipsticks, bottles of lip-gloss and nail polish, cotton swabs, toners, face washes, anything you can find in the beauty department.
A nail filer soared above Athena’s head as the Goddess groaned and banged her head against the wall. Her family sucks.
“Take that, and that, and that.” Aphrodite screamed as she continued pulling out objects out of her never-ending makeup bag.
“Oh my god, on the few months I actually get to live up here and this place becomes a huge pile of mess.” Persephone got hit on the face with a stack of cotton balls, immediately followed by a light purple eyeshadow.
“Mimi-ah, don’t be mad.” Hestia rubbed her daughter’s back gently. “Things will get better.”
“No they won’t, Ryeowook.” Persephone began weeping while a nail clipper soared above her head.
“Yah, Mimi, you know you love living with Kyuhyun.” Aphrodite yelled out as she dodged a fireball and hurled a can of hairspray in retaliation. The flammable can exploded when it met the ball of fire.
“He doesn’t even pay attention to me.” Persephone wailed as Hestia comforted her.
“Ho gwai fan ah. (Translation: So annoying.)” Cupid fluttered out of the palace as a foot massager fell flat from hitting him. “Hui wun Yu Sin Sang seen. (Translation: I’ma go find Mr. Fish)”
“Where is he going?” Athena gave Apollo an inquisitive look. The Cantonese language was something Athena never understood.
Nemo Donghae.” Apollo replied without looking at her.
“Kyuhyun-ah, it’s your brother.” Zeus illuminated the dark lair with sparks of lightning.
“Go away I’m busy.” Loud keyboard mashing sounds accompanied with scary, awkward voices muttering commands.
“We have to go have a family meeting. Did you not hear my thunderbolt?”
“Later, I’m almost done.”
“Kyuhyun, we have to go.”
“Ten minutes, I promise.”
“Yesung-ah.” Cupid waved at Hermes when they dove into the ocean.
“Hi Henry.” Hermes waved back before he crashed into a school of fish.
“Lei yau hui wun Donghae-ah? (Translation: You’re going to find Donghae-ah?)” Hermes frowned at him.
“Me no speak Chinese.”
“Oh right.” Henry changed his speech. “You’re going to find Donghae?”
When the two fliers reached the ocean palace, they landed on the ocean strip for boats.
Hermes, who had been intrigued by the turtles, crashed into a coral reef while Cupid started talking to them.
“DONGHAE GEGE.” Cupid chirped while the doors flung open and Poseidon walked out with a trail of multicoloured fish behind him.
“Leeteuk told me to tell you to go up to Mount Olympus.” Poseidon stared blankly at the two. He was in a pair of light blue shorts and a simple t shirt.
“Am I speaking Korean?” Hermes turned to Cupid and the other flier nodded.
Hestia made a hearth in the middle of the living room and told Apollo to direct the flames to heat up the cauldron.
“Mmm, this stew smells wonderful, Wookie.” Athena remarked while Ares forcefully tugged Apollo into his room.
“Yeah, thanks Bummie. Artemis caught some white bird and told me to try it out in my stew.”
“Do you remember what it looked like?” Athena asked with concern, many species of exotic birds were on the verge of extinction. Birds were sacred animals, and Athena had a particular fondness for the winged creatures. Artemis always had a knack for shooting down the precious ones.
“I think it’s what we call an owl.” Athena suddenly found it hard to swallow.
Oh Hannie, oh oh!! Nygahh.. Hannie… ouahh
Aphrodite cringed when she felt the pair’s passion blossoming from Ares’ room. Who would have thought that Ares would be an uke?
“Sister, I’ve always loved you.” Aphrodite purred to Athena. “Kibum-ah.”
“Kibum-ah, do you love me.”
“NO. What part of no do you not comprehend? Is the concept too abstract for your miniscule brain to analyze?”
“Can you speak slower and don’t use such hard words?” Aphrodite batted her eyelashes. “I’m confused.”
“Go away!! I have to find my owl.”
“What’s an owl? Are you looking for your ex—”
“NO. My owl, you know, a night-dwelling bird?” Athena snapped at her sister. “Not some stupid acronym for some stupid novel by some stupid author.”
“Harry Potter is NOT STUPID. How dare you.” Aphrodite sneered.
“No wonder why you’re so stupid. Books are so reflective towards a person’s intelligence.” Athena sarcastically replied.
“At least I don’t read Twilight.” Sungmin smiled and Athena became quiet. She did have a point there.
Ohhhh Hannie. Hannieee.. fuckk meee Hannieeee. Ohhh harder Hannie… harder harder, ouahhh.
Poseidon finally understood what Hermes and Cupid were trying to tell him after he removed his ear plugs.
“Well, let’s go.” Cupid chirped as he surged up, followed by Hermes.
“Watch the palace.” Poseidon told the two turtle guards and followed suit.
Upon reaching the surface, Poseidon had a seizure.
“What’s wrong with him?” Hermes asked.
“Air…” Poseidon inhaled a large amount of air. “Pressure…” He sounded like a dying fish.
“Donghae, breathe.” Cupid shot the man with a few musical notes. “Did you forget you’re part human too?”
Poseidon did the opposite as he began hyperventilating.
Athena realized her pet owl was nowhere to be seen and looked at the stew, horrified. She immediately lost her composure and began a bitch fight with Artemis.
“Why do we like to argue so much?” Hera mumbled to herself as she began choreographing a new dance. “I swear it’s like their hobby.”
“Brother, it’s been thirty minutes.” Zeus impatiently thundered another lightning bolt across the dark lair.
“Why are you so annoying?”
Zeus snapped his fingers and his laptop went black.
“Why did you take away my battery?”
“That’s called being annoying. I’m tired of waiting for you, can we please go now?”
“Why do you act like my mom?” Hades grumbled when he finally agreed to slink out of his dark lair.
Apollo left their room first, garnering him a smirk from Hera, a scowl from Aphrodite, a shot of disappointment from Athena, and a look of pure disgust from Artemis. But Apollo didn’t car; he was literally glowing with satisfaction and joy.
“What? Don’t give me that look.” Apollo defended himself. “He’s actually pretty good.”
“Who’s pretty good?” Poseidon asked when he, Cupid and Hermes came back to the palace. Hermes crashed into a suit of armour upon landing.
“You don’t want to know.” Artemis sobbed into his hands. Cupid flew over to her and began playing a soft, relaxing tune for the Goddess of the Moon.
“I don’t think he’ll understand even if we tell him.” Aphrodite was dabbing on mountains of mascara and eye liner to cover her swollen eyes from crying.
“Understand what?” Poseidon looked at the other immortals.
“For once, Sungmin didn’t sound like a complete retard.” Athena hinted with bitterness. No one was observant enough to realize her sacred owl had become their lunch.
“We’re back!!!” Zeus hollered triumphantly as Ares limped out of their room.
“That took you, 42 minutes.” Hera looked at the clock. “A new record, Zeusy.”
“It’s because he took my electricity away…” Hades grumbled as Persephone went over and gave him a hug. “Go away, I see you for half a year, that’s more than enough.”
On the other hand, he gladly accepted a hug from the Goddess of Love, their bodies intertwining as one. Aphrodite stroked up and down the length of his body, her soft silky hands feeling up his abs, giggling when her hand grazed his throbbing length.
“At least do it when Persephone isn’t around.” Apollo sighed when Artemis shunned him away from her touch.
“And maybe you should have kept your sex sounds,” Athena winced at her lack of decent vocabulary. “Down, and and, don’t be such an ass to other Goddesses.”
“Anyhow, I don’t take interest in my sons’ and daughters’ sex lives.” Zeus held out a hand to silence everyone. “Now that we’re all together, let us all gather around for a meal.” Zeus said happily. “Where’s Kangin and Shindong?”
“Out-cold and banished.” Athena shuddered when Hestia began serving the stew. She politely refused the dish.
“Realized it was about time for you to lose weight?” Hades smirked. Athena gasped in horror when Hestia scooped up a piece of the bird; its leg was sticking upright out of the bowl.
“Now she’s bulimic.” Hades muttered when Persephone nudged her husband. Athena charged towards the bathroom with one hand covering her mouth. “Women and their weird behaviour.”
Aphrodite and Ares were fighting for the same piece of chicken, their chopsticks lunging at one another.
“Stop fighting, you two.” Apollo split the two apart while Artemis glared at her twin. “Can you stop looking at me like that? I’m sorry, sister.”
“Apologies are beyond the matter, Apollo.” Artemis sighed heavily. “You are my brother no more.”
“Can we stop fighting?” Zeus hurled another thunderbolt. “Can we not have a simple meal as a family once in a while? Is that so much to ask?”
“DON’T TOUCH MY KIMCHI.” Hera screamed when Poseidon accidentally took a piece of her delicacy and ate it. “Fine, take the whole thing, I don’t want it anymore.”
Poseidon, being the fish head he is, clapped happily and ate her portion as well.
“Glad she realized she needed a diet too.” Hades chirped to himself as he took a gulp of rice.
“Now which one of you committed adultery?” Zeus suddenly asked midway during their meal.
Everyone turned their heads at the thunder god.
“What? Did you all think I actually wanted to see you all just for a meal? There’s a half mortal in the human world saying he’s the son of one of the 12 Gods on Mount Olympus. Hercules is his name, I think.” Zeus looked at the piece of mail. “Yep, Hercules.”
“So which one of you guys did it, who committed adultery?”
Everyone turned and looked at Aphrodite.
“What, it actually wasn’t me this time, I swear.” Aphrodite panicked and shook her head.
“Another problem, he wants inheritance.”